Ah, dating apps. Modern day life. You say your going to delete it but why? Your single might as well keep swiping. But men and woman are literally the worst on there. And I am too, don’t like a guy? NEXT. Woman are just as bad as men. I actually love talking to men on there as friends. Why? Because they tell me about the other hot messes on there that make me feel so much better about my life. Girls ask these guys to venmo them money, they unmatch them if they don’t pay for their ubers. I heard this girl requested venmo money for half of what she paid in an uber the next day after a date. I’m poor as hell and I don’t do that and I know these girls have better jobs than me.
So being a hot mess sleeping all day binge watching parks and rec making countless bad decisions I’m looking like a real prize! Aren’t ya proud Mom and Dad? There are girls out there requesting complete strangers for money and your broke ass daughter isn’t. My parents for the win! BTW can I come over to food shop I’m tired of sneaking around eating my roommates food.
I digress. But I cant judge these girls too much I’m on there. And I know I am somebody else’s story on there. Exhibit one. I would say his name but I don’t remember. I met this guy at a dive bar. Where I take all my dates. That bartender knows more about me than I do myself. I go meet this guy for brunch, I am extremely hungover. Scratch that not even hungover I’m wasted still. My friend tells me not to go but I am a sucker and also a viking when it comes to drinking so I press on. I walk in order a cider and a coke. The coke is to try to make my hangover go away. I take a sip of each he starts talking about god knows what, I get up because I think I have to poop. But no I ran outside in broad daylight and start projectile vomiting outside the bar. Families and couples are walking around and here I am on my first date throwing up everywhere. I make my way back in I tell this poor soul him I threw up and he still continues to talk. That’s okay because I just ate all the pickle chips anyways.
I tell this guy I have to go home. He walks me home and still wants a kiss. I thought he was crazy but really he was probably excited to get a girl that throws up rather than ask for money. Ah dating apps. The wonderful world of hot mess single people. And I’m a bartender and still going on the dating apps when I met guys all the time. And why is that, because even the guys at the bar are hot messes too. So keep on swiping to your next hot mess you hot mess millennial.